Keep It to Yourself! ... Please.

Let me start this rant by saying that I am an imperfect jerk, too.  But please see paragraph #4; I am whining to friends (I hope).  Okay, here goes.

I have several pet peeves.  One of them is bumper stickers or car accessories with obnoxious sayings.  For instance, the one that says "In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned" is one of my least favorites.  First, are you really, really sure you're going?  I'm just saying that it seems a bit smug.  Also, don't you think it's gonna be bad enough?  Do you really have to advertise that the chaos will be worse because your stupid, giant SUV/truck, now unmanned, will immediately start plowing into other vehicles or road signs?  Um, I'm pretty sure that anyone left will figure out pretty quickly to get out of the way.  But thanks for the warning.  I will keep my eyes firmly fixed on your giant tail end--I can't see around it anyway because it's so big.  In closing, do you think you could get your tires properly aligned so that your car has a better chance of heading straight down the road once you vacate it?  That's less likely to hurt people, and that means that if you're planning on a Tim LaHaye-style rapture, more people might have the chance to repent.

The stupid ones about how your dog or cat or fish or horse or iguana can take out my honor student are ridiculous.  Now I think that honor student bumper stickers are pretty dumb, too, but really, your pet is going to take out my kid?  I think that means we're going to end up in an altercation.  Honor student or not, I'm going to protect my kid (when that part of my life happens).  Don't provoke me, and I'll keep the honor student bumper stickers off of my car.  Deal?

If you drive a Ram 2500, F-Super Duty, etc., I am already aware that your truck has 'balls.'  It's really quite obvious from the size of your truck, the volume if its engine (that you doctored into a mind-numbing roar), the black cloud of toxic emissions coming from your exhaust pipe, and the apparent disregard for all other vehicles on the road with which you drive it.  If you were trying to impress me, it has had the opposite effect.  The addition of plastic anatomical parts that swing around as you drive gives me the distinct impression that you may be overcompensating.

Also, I know you're bitter about the last election...or the one before that...or the one before that...or the one back before the creation of the earth, but really, it just didn't work out.  I'm sorry.  I voted for them, too.  But it's been more than a year, and, well, you seem like a whiner.  Really, I don't need you to whine to me out on the open road.  I do enjoy complaining, and it's part of the reason I vote, but I don't know you.  I will whine to my friends, and they may whine to me.  You can whine to your own friends.  Also, to those bearing my new 'favorite,' my "Hope and Change" is fine, thanks.  It's not tied to a particular political candidate.

Finally, I have been guilty of this last one, but I repented of it when I figured out how obnoxious I was being.  Dear fellow followers of Jesus Christ, don't put a Jesus fish on your car unless you're prepared to be the best citizen of the road ever.  Don't.  Ever heard of the Sermon on the Mount?  How about common courtesy?  Well, here's the deal.  We are all jerks on the road at some point.  We cut someone off--accidentally or on purpose.  We drive too slow.  We drive too fast.  We fail to use our turn signal.  We act in our own interests to the detriment of others, which can, of course, lead to accidents.  I assume that many drivers are inconsiderate jerks, but I do expect someone who singles himself or herself out as a follower of Christ to be different.  Is this unreasonable?  Perhaps.  We're just as sinful, right?  But I can't help it.  Dear fish car driver, you did put this on your car because you're trying to say, "Hey, I'm a Christian!" right?  If you put something up on your car that says you believe in real, radical love and doing things like putting other people before yourself, and your goal is to witness to people, I have some advice.  DON'T, DON'T, DON'T drive like a sinner!  Don't cut me off.  My mind immediately jumps to the conclusion that you're a self-righteous hypocrite.  (Remember, I'm a jerk who needs to work on her own love and forgiveness skills.)  But here's the deal: so do lots and lots of non-Christians.  And they do talk about it.  And they do think you're obnoxious.  And if you meant your fish to be a witness, it failed.  My suggestion: find another way to witness.  Try making friends with people.  Also, if you don't put up the fish and do cut someone off, well, they won't judge your faith.  They'll just judge you.  That's where the blame belongs in the first place.

P.S.  Leave Darwin out of it.  No Jesus fish eating Darwin amphibian.  No Darwin amphibian eating Jesus fish.  It is not clever.