You know, it is almost 2 AM. I cannot sleep. I think my least favorite part about grad school is the way it's destroyed my ability to sleep. My second least favorite part is that it has made me a neurotic mess. I've become a self-absorbed bundle of nerves. Tonight I went to bed before midnight. But then, right on the edge of sleep my mind started thinking about school. Thinking about school means that I immediately get a jolt of adrenaline as I begin to contemplate everything I must do. Of course, this is followed by all the stupid mistakes I've made recently and all the possible mistakes I might make in the future. Once I get to sleep, I dream about failing out of school or about my friends deciding they hate me. Then I wake up remembering those lovely dreams.
It's RIDICULOUS!
My rational mind knows that I'm making mountains out of mole hills, but I cannot shut this crazy brain off. Diversion tactics don't work. I feel like I need to be that kid in The Giver who uses good memories when he's afraid or in trouble. Grad school has taken my warm and fuzzy memories for the moment. Also, I've decided that I totally understand why some grad students commit suicide. Don't worry. I am NOT suicidal AT ALL. However, I can understand how pressure piles up, and I can understand how easy it is to start believing that your performance 'matters' and reflects on your personal worth. Those feelings are really hard to fight, especially when you really like parts of it and get really invested in them. And then you start going crazy....
The happy news: I am headed east on Friday afternoon!
Oh, my dear, I am sorry to hear that. I had a sleepless night over work Tuesday; I couldn't shut my brain off! It isn't any fun. I'm really excited to see you in a few days. Hopefully a change of scenery will help alleviate some of your stress. Travel was often seen as a potential cure in the 19th century as you know. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, so you can call me a crazy person, but I swear, this has changed our lives. Kennan could never sleep under pressure. By default, this means I cannot sleep either. So I spent 5 years trying to solve the problem. It was BAD during school. You can laugh, but I found a tea by Traditional Medicinals called 'Nighty Night'. Every time he drinks it he sleeps great - even under pressure. Like before his licensure exam. It is a little expensive, but probably worth a try. (And it is fair trade, which makes all things happy.)
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Oh sweetie, it sounds like I need to make an appointment for you. ;) You are awesome and I'm sorry you can't sleep. Hopefully you can get some sleep over BREAK! Woot woot!
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