Professional

I find it hard to believe I'm doing what I'm doing with my life.  Don't get me wrong. I want to do it.  It's just that even though I am a grad student who's two months away from 27, I still feel like a kid who doesn't know anything or have her act together.  This has been weighing on my mind heavily since Christmas. It's been exacerbated by the knowledge that I am supposed to write a publishable research paper this semester.  My prof used the "You are a professional now and need to start thinking and acting like one," line on us in class.  It's sort of like being told to grow up or act like an adult, but professionally.  I don't know. Sometimes growing up professionally is just as painful and difficult as growing up as a human being.  It's just as scary and exciting, and worse, because the becoming an adult part has happened to some degree already, I know it's going to be anything but a smooth process from the professional standpoint.  I'm certainly not going to get everything right, and much of what I do will be stupid or downright ugly.  This is certainly a less-than-exciting prospect.  So...on to that paper.

Slacker?

Sitting in environmental history on the first day of class, the girl to my left turned to me and said, "Can you believe how many books we have to read for this class?!" 
In my head I thought, "There are only five, and they're short. You should try grad school.  I purchased 12 for 1 class, and that's not all of the reading I have to do for that class." 
But trying not to be a complete jerk I mumbled my way through something remotely sympathetic, and finally ended up saying something like, "Well, it's an upper division history course, and when you get your books you'll notice most of them are pretty short, like less than 100 pages."
Not to be placated, the girl informed me that she was a junior and had NEVER had to read five books for a class.  WHAT!?! 
I immediately asked her what her major was: communications.  (I admit my first instinct was scorn.  It was.)  I asked her why she'd decided to enroll in an upper division history class when a 100-level class would have satisfied her gen ed requirements.  I was NOT trying to imply she shouldn't be in the class.  I was actually trying to find out what she was interested in.  However, she told me that this was just what 'fit' and that she hates history.  She's also taking five other challenging classes.  I hope she doesn't die.  This class isn't going to be heavy on reading, but really, she could have taken an easier class.  My department offers at least 20 different 100-level classes at all times of the week and day. 
However, as I began thinking about it, I remembered that I thought five books was a lot as an undergrad.  And this made me think that the last semester has completely changed my perspective on what is 'reasonable' when it comes to reading and homework.  So yeah, I'm cutting the girl some slack.  Five books (even short ones) is a lot when you're taking 6 classes and none of them is considered a slacker class.  Personally, I'm thankful that I'm only doing 3 1/2 classes and a TAship.  It's almost more than I can handle.

Yoga

I have spent the past four months on my butt.  These months have also brought new and added stresses to my life.  Grad school is apparently a time for reading and writing.  I cannot do either one while running, walking, etc. without falling down, running into people and things, and getting motion sick.  However, the increasing size of my stomach, a recognition that I need to find a healthy outlet for stress, and a general feeling that I should get up and walk around or something has prompted me to do something about this. 
The problem is, I hate exercizing.  You know how you get an endorphin rush during/after you work out?  Yeah, I don't get that rush.  So I just feel miserable.  So I don't like to exercize.  I have been looking for something that will help me destress, too. 
Solution: yoga
So I checked out a few places around town and ran into a huge problem.  $$$.  I am not rich.  Yoga seems to be for rich people generally, but costs are astronomical here.  They're more than my rent.  So I gave that idea up. 
But then I remembered that my university has a rec center.  After checking their web site I discovered a marvelous thing--yoga classes at a reasonable rate!  I marched myself to the rec center and signed up. 
Tonight I went to my first yoga class.  Friends, I loved it!  Really.  It is exactly what I need right now.  It's not intense cardio, which is probably what I should be doing, but it's something, and it makes me feel good afterward. Now I just have to stay on top of my work so that I can keep going to yoga. 
My goal is to go 2-3 times a week.

Not a retraction, exactly...

After reflecting on my previous post, I have decided that 1) I should not use my blog to vent about relationships and 2) that post was only kind of about the Bachelor. Don’t get me wrong. I still don’t like the show, and I remain convinced that the people on the show aren’t motivated solely out of a desire to find lasting love. However, I watched a clip of Jake with one of the women who left last week yesterday…and I felt a little bad for him. Granted, he got himself into this mess, but she was a complete nutcase. I wouldn’t want to put up with her either.
So, yes, the woman has a point.  And I also see that that post was not about the Bachelor at its heart. In fact, I don’t care whether people like or don’t like the show. I don’t really like reality TV, but still, I am addicted to Lost. It's not like it's particularly cerebral or edifyig.  We all do things and watch things that others don’t like or find silly. I do have pretty strong opinions on several shows out there (good and bad), but really, there was no reason for me to be so frustrated by my “Bachelor” conversation.
So maybe that conversation was about being frustrated with a woman who is rather socially awkward. The conversation meant nothing in and of itself. However, it was part of a larger situation that has bubbled quietly under the surface for several years until now. I think it became apparent to me just how frustrated I was with trying to understand this person during the conversation. Still, why the heck did it bother me so much? Why THAT conversation? I’m not going to say that I didn’t have a right to be annoyed, but I should have stepped back and taken a deep breath. It really wasn’t a big deal.
Most likely, the conversation stemmed from my need to be ‘right.’ A week ago I was talking with a good friend about how hard it is to realize that your opinion is not the only opinion. In fact, it’s not the only RIGHT opinion. That is a hard pill to swallow. You see, I think that I would do a great job running the world. I would be more than happy to tell people what to do, control who was allowed to procreate, etc. Granted, this is absurd. Still, I think most of us feel this way at some point. I tend to feel this way a lot. It’s not that I’m always conscious of it, but I am also rarely conscious that my opinion on ____ is not shared by the entire human population. In honor of recognizing that I am a self-absorbed jerk, I am attempting to change my attitude and be more conscientiously aware that other people can have valid opinions. I’m not saying I’m going to succeed, but I am going to try.

She said:

"The women on The Bachelor are starting to drive me nuts! I'm glad that 2 of the 3 who left tonight went home, but there's so much hostility between some of those who are left. I feel bad for Jake that he has to put up with them!"
I said: "He's getting paid a lot of money (and fame) to put up with them. He's getting a lot of action. He's surrounded by beautiful women who will do almost anything to be with him. He gets to choose which one to be with. I am not inclined to feel sorry for him. ;-)" 
She said: "Totally understandable. I guess its just their attitudes that get to me. Those who are there to play games and being stupid make me want to drag them out by their hair. He deserves better than that."
Seriously!?!?  This Jake guy was probably familiar with the show before he signed on. The show has never been about love between mature adults.  It has always been about playing games and melodrama.  That's why it's so popular.  Luckily, this is a stupid facebook conversation.  Since I cannot respond without being insulting or condescending, I am not responding to her.  I am venting here.  This is going to save more than one friendship. 
Dramatic?  Yes.  But friends, what do you do when you're super-good friends with someone, but you find a civil relationship with his significant other hard to navigate?  Not that this person is a horrible person.  We can get along, but I'm quite sure I'm doing most of the compromising because I want to remain friends with my good friend.  Most of the compromises involve me holding my tongue because sarcasm and/or disagreeing on any level are not an option with this woman.
*Disclaimer: I have not watched the Bachelor at ALL this season (or any other TV show).  I have no idea what's going on with Jake and his women.  If you feel I am too harsh on the show, I am up for a discussion on the redeeming qualites of Jake, the women, or the Bachelor in general.

New Responsibilities

I met the new professor I will be working with this semester.  He is awesome.  As in, he is night and day different from my experience last semester already. 
He asked me what my goals for this semester were.  Goals?  How about passing all of my classes and not doing anything to make him angry with me?  Those sound like reasonable goals, right?  Really, my problem is that last semester I literally did everything except lecture (except that's not true because I led class at least once in the prof's absence).  So finding something that I genuinely want to learn to do or something new to be involved in is a bit of a challenge.  I learned all of this just a few months ago in a do-or-die sort of situation.  However, trying to be a professional, I told him I wanted to learn from him as a lecturer and be as involved as possible in teaching the class, including lecturing.  This is, after all, is exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life: teach college-level history.  He seemed cool with the idea.  He even told me that to get me more involved, he'd like me to help him write tests, give announcements, administer the online class page, and be an available resource for students.  I had to fight back a smile; he thought he was really giving me a lot of responsibility.  He actually said that he was ASKING and not REQUIRING me to do all of this stuff.  Little did he know that his requests and requirements for me are significantly less than those of my previous professor. 
Reduced duties for the semester:
1) I do not have to escort this prof. to and from class. 
2) I do not have to stand up front and help this prof. by finding his spot in lecture, putting up overheads, listening to students' questions and repeating them back to the prof. because he can't hear/understand them. 
3) I do not have to write, copy, and distrubute this prof.'s tests on my own/unsupervised.
4) I do not have to grade 100+ tests/essays per class assignment.  I will only grade half (60), and I will not have to worry that this prof. is giving out unreasonably low grades that he will bump up more than a letter grade if challenged.  Integrity is a good quality.
5) I do not have to answer this prof.'s emails for him. 
6) I do not have to act as a liason between this prof. and the departmet secretaries, head of the department, other college departments and offices, and students.
7) I do not have to make sure that this prof. is doing his job and do not have to relay reminders to do his job to him from his superiors.
8) I do not have to "figure things out" because this prof. knows how to use the technology he employs in his class.
9) I do not have to be the final authority on grades.  This prof. will not defer to my judgement when his grading is disputed by students.  He will not purposely avoid scheduled appointments with students in an attempt to get me to deal with them. 
10) I do not have to listen to this prof. tell me that President Obama wants him dead or any other conspiracy theories. 

So to summarize, this professor is competent and reasonable.  Also, there will be an undergraduate assisting with the class who I know is very competent.  Seriously, THANK GOD! 

Something to look forward to:

All of my required books for this semester have arrived.

A stack of equal size will accompany this once I decide what my topic for my research seminar will be.

I am currently in need of another book shelf.